Know Thyself.

Its true, I fight depression. I get it honest…which means, it runs in the family. Mom always described her sister and her mother as “nervous women”. Then, as I got to know and understand her later in life, I realize that mom also suffers from her own form of emotional torture. So…yep. I get it honest.

One of my main goals for this year was to teach myself to be emotionally intelligent. To have an understanding of why I feel the way I do, allow myself the emotion, feel it all the way to the end…pray about it, ask for guidance, and just wait until it passes. (On the flip side, emotional intelligence also means I have to try and understand the emotions of others as well.) Its a more purposeful way of living.

Today I woke up at 5am full of worry. I tossed and turned for an hour until I finally made myself get out of bed. I am burdened by a laundry list of things to worry about as our family is having a tough time making ends meet. The bottom line is, I know we will be fine. However this current situation makes my head reel and my stomach hurt.

So, at 6am I wrote up a huge to-do list and plowed forward until most of the items were checked off by noon. I made my way into the shower and forced myself to have a good cry. I didn’t really WANT to cry, but the toxic build up in my system was astounding and I had to release it somehow. Shaking and nauseated, I sobbed outloud for about 10 minutes as the hot water ran over my head. My stomach wanted to heave. In the words of Brian Regan, everything on my inside wanted to be on the outside.

About an hour later, I was sitting on the couch and I felt the wave of depression lift.

I often feel that if my life circumstances were better then I would probably not have these massive waves of depression, but the truth is…I’ll always find something to fret about. Know thyself. This is the beginning stage of emotional intelligence.

Peace.

Jane.

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